I am tired of hiding who I am and what I experience, of pretending to be ok. I don’t want to be one of those miserable bloggers, but just this might be the place to finally scream – “This is who I am and what I suffer with! This is what I experience and what nobody ever seems to understand because it is not logical or appropriate”. It’s tiring to pretend everything is ok when each week fear takes my breathe away, each week emotional pain gets too much to bare, each week tears convulse my body and I can’t find a way to feel safe. So tired of putting on a brave face, so tired of feeling ashamed of myself, of battling low confidence, of feeling so awkward with new people and even more so with old friends who are wondering why I haven’t moved forward or got a new job or found a partner or any o the other simple things they take for granted. Exhausted with feeling like a waste of space because this beast of a disorder controls my life, being unable to just have a little fun and adventure because I’m so afraid of unknown situations I have to carefully plan everything and make sure I have all my coping mechanisms to hand.. Unable to let my hair down or stay up late because sleep deprivation means I cannot self-regulate and leave my defences down to trauma which will undoubtedly rear its ugly head. Sick of being unable to speak the truth to my friends about how awful I feel, because I don’t want to be a burden, or seem weak, and I know that others’ problems are worse than my own, and because I am disgusted at myself and fed up of always being the weak one in need of support.
And why? I need not. It should not be doused with shame for there is physiological fact behind the matter: My Amygdala dysfunctions: I have PTSD symptoms.
I always say that we need to end mental health stigma as a society; yet I cannot seem to end my own stigma against myself and speak freely and truthfully about who I am right now, or like the person I’ve become.